7 Signs Your Teen Needs Help
Summary
Teen development looks scary and strange by definition. So it can be challenging to know when to seek help and when to let nature take its course.
There are seven signs, however, that you can look for to know it’s time to get your teen into therapy. These are: school troubles, friend troubles, family troubles, substance use, risky driving, risky sexual behavior, and self-harm.
This is not an exhaustive list, but the presence of any of these should prompt a call to a counselor who works with teens (like me). At the bottom of this page is a button to request a 15-minute free consultation where we can explore if I am a good fit to help your family.
The teen years are bizarre. Your sweet, occasionally ornery, child morphs before your eyes into this other creature entirely. One moment, they seem like they are teen going on 25; the next going on 8. The defining feature seems to be a chronic lack of predictability – in mood, in style, in interest.
When giving a presentation to a group of parents on teenage depression, I had just finished moving through a symptom list. Several parents stopped me. They asked, “how is that not just a normal day with a teenager?” Moody? Check. Loss of interest? Frequent. Change in sleep or weight? Yep. So, how do you know when your teen is being a teen and when your teen needs help?
Well, I cannot provide a comprehensive list, but here are seven signs your teen needs to see a counselor like me.
Number 1: School Troubles
Many (most? all?) teens run into challenges in school. That’s normal. And trouble comes in many forms. My ever-compliant child suddenly starts getting detention. My solid student now struggles to keep up. That’s normal.
What’s not normal? Your teen stops responding to their teachers or administrators. When given discipline, they take on a “who cares?” “whatever!” attitude. Your teen moves from occasional correction to frequent (weekly or biweekly) discipline actions. This increase in conflict with the school’s code of conduct may indicate that your teen feels frequently overwhelmed by large emotions. Your teen is having a hard time “keeping it together” and so small prompts at school produce oversized reactions – reactions large enough to catch the attention of teachers and administrators.
Likewise, large swings in grades and frequently missed assignments can indicate a teen is in trouble. These too can indicate your teen’s brain is overloaded with thoughts and emotions beyond their ability to process on their own. Therapy can help your teen gain the skills they need to process the events of life and stay engaged with the life they want to live.
Number 2: Friend Troubles
When kids hit their teen years, they begin the process of finding their identity in a group. This is normal, natural. Some psychologists say that identity after age 13 is group-based (not individual based). That can look like a teen bouncing from one clique to another as they try on different identities like so many coats at the Coat Factory.
However, when your teen isolates, avoids and withdraws from friends, you want to look closer. Jennifer has had the same set of girlfriends since second grade. You notice she doesn’t mention them hardly at all anymore. Worse, when these names do come up, it’s to voice anger or disgust. You can scan about and see, my teen is alone. The old friends have pushed away or moved away. New friends are not coming into view. This could be something that has happened and now Jennifer is avoiding it. Counseling can help uncover the events, thoughts, and emotions and give her tools to navigate the challenge effectively.
Another challenge when it comes to friends and teens is the teen who begins adopting the group identity of those who engage in high-risk behaviors. The stereotype is John Travolta in Grease. But the reality could be some wholesome-looking folks that are engaging in risky sexual behaviors, alcohol abuse, or drug use (more on these in a moment). I’ll say it here and again below, but risky behavior needs to be addressed quickly and therapeutically. Don’t wait.
Number 3: Family Troubles
It’s normal for a teen to have a conflict with parents and siblings. The adolescent years are marked by changes in the brain that increase emotional volatility which is not helpful to household harmony. John and Jenn share a bathroom and it’s a fight. Every. Single. Morning. The sibling squabble here is just two developing humans living in close quarters. Nothing really that remarkable.
If John escalates though to violence or Jenn starts rumors about John at school, that’s not ok. Violent, controlling, or even avoiding behaviors in the house often indicate that the teen feels threatened by something. They may or they may not be able to recognize or put words to what threatens. Yet, the behavior gives the tell that all is not well. A therapist can help your teen identify and more effectively navigate perceived threats.
Family troubles may also emanate from conflict or loss with the adults. Divorce, talk of divorce, and job loss are common disruptions that many households face during the teen years. For lots of reasons, your teen may not be able to pinpoint, “this is what is bothering me.” They accept the new situation and appear to move on. Yet, big changes in the family create threats that are better navigated with someone outside the situation. Savvy parents see times of great change as times of great vulnerability. Counseling helps to calm chaotic emotions and provides your teen with skills to navigate this change and other changes life will inevitably bring.
Number 4: Substance Use (including alcohol)
It’s touchy, but if you ever discover your teen using substances – including alcohol – it’s time for help. Drugs and alcohol present a peculiar risk for the adolescent and the adolescent brain. It can be both cause and effect of deeper mental health problems. Substance use as a cause of mental health problems looks like the teen whose substance use damages the brain and reduces (sometimes permanently) the ability to think or emotionally respond.
Substance use as an effect of mental health problems usually begs the question– why is this teen using to begin with? Maybe they are beginning to value “membership over morality.” Maybe they are hurting and substances provide relief. Regardless of the underlying cause, substance use can become a way for teens to escape unpleasant emotions, and in the long run, this escape makes it harder for them to have healthy, productive relationships (at best). In a worst-case scenario, the teen develops an addiction – truly a disease with lifelong constraints.
I hear the objection already: “But I drank my fair share in High School and turned out fine! I don’t want to overreact.” I understand the sentiment. Many of us engaged in some form of risky behavior or another when we were younger. And let’s be honest: you can feel like a real hypocrite for calling out your teen on stuff you did (still do?) – and maybe remember with some level of fondness. All the more reason to get outside help. That would be an act of kindness without judgment. That would be a way to secure for your child more than what you had.
Number 5: Risky driving
I have three sons under age 25 who drive and their insurance premiums tell me and tell you what we instinctively know. Teen driving is a risky adventure. The teenage impulse to drive like there is no tomorrow is actually rooted in the changes in the adolescent brain. The teenage brain naturally becomes desensitized to risk as they engage in hyper-rationalization. In other words, a teen often perceives that if there is only a 20% chance of death, there is an 80% chance of survival. Adults and children say, “that’s scary. I should make another choice.” The adolescent brain is less predictable.
That said if your teen behind the wheel takes that “devil may care” attitude, it could signal a preoccupation with death and ambivalence about living. A teen may or may not communicate that to you, but they are more likely to tell (not guaranteed) their therapist.
Number 6: Risky Sexual Behavior
Adolescence is perhaps most associated with the development of reproductive capacity and desire. Biologically, the point of adolescence is the maturation of the human to something that can survive on its own and reproduce. The body changes for that purpose. The brain, a part of the body, is included in those changes. That teens engage in sexual behavior almost feels redundant.
But like everything else, sexuality can be abused. An old-fashioned notion? Not really. If your teen suddenly becomes overly sexual or sex-avoidant, parents pay attention. Overly sexual means the teen begins acting beyond the norms of their family of origin regarding the number of partners or acts they find permissible. Sexually avoidant means the teen avoids any and all contact that could lead to any form of sexual expression. Both of these could be signs of traumatic experiences connected to their sexuality. This can be a difficult and awkward subject to broach with a parent, and an outside helper can create space to say the embarrassing or horrifying.
With the acknowledgment that it is not sexual behavior per se, parents should watch out for gender dysphoria. If your teen expresses a desire to be the opposite gender or insists that they are the opposite gender, there is a substantially higher risk of self-harm and suicide. Seek a therapist who specializes in these areas immediately.
Number 7: Self-harm / Talk of suicide
Like substance use, self-harm should always trigger the search for help from a mental health professional. Self-harm is often an act to punish the self for the grievance of being. It embodies the idea, “I don’t deserve to feel good.” Other times it is the response to emotional numbing. Something has happened which is so overwhelming that I can’t feel anything right now but physical pain. So, the self-harmer inflicts pain to feel something - anything - at all.
The forms of self-harm are varied. It may start with hitting oneself or hitting an object to feel pain. Jack felt he was undeserving in life, and so would hit himself with a tennis racquet when he made mistakes. Clint feels overwhelmed by stress and anger. He goes into the woods behind his house and hits a tree like it were a punching bag. His bloody and bruised hands tell the story. Self-harm, of course, includes cutting and burning. These can leave permanent reminders of pain and trauma.
Finally, any talk of suicide should be treated with an immediate call for professional help. It can be extraordinarily frightening but ask some questions here. “Are you thinking about hurting or killing yourself? Do you have a plan? Do you have the resources to carry out that plan? Do you intend to do it?” Take the answers to these questions sincerely. If they answer any question with a yes, seek help immediately. Call the suicide hotline (988 works like 911). Call the local mental health authority or mobile crisis outreach team. But act immediately.
This is not an exhaustive list, but the presence of any of these should prompt a call to a counselor who works with teens (like me). The 2510 Collective works with teens, adults, and couples using evidence-based tools to help you and your teen heal, learn, grow, and thrive. If you see any of these signs in your family, hit the button below.
